Or, How I Finally Established a Consistent Sleep Routine in my 30s

Stock image of a person standing in front of a mountain that I’m pretty sure isn’t Mount Everest.

The proudest accomplishment of my adult life is not what anyone would guess. It's not passing the bar, or graduating from law school (twice), or anything like that (and I could probably write a whole separate blog post about why I devalued those accomplishments when they happened).

No, my proudest accomplishment was when I was finally able to establish a consistent sleep schedule for the first time in my life in my thirties by using my skills to coach myself. My intention is NOT to tell you how YOU should manage your own sleep schedule, though I'm thrilled if this gives anyone helpful ideas to try. Rather, I want to show a real story of a typical ADHD-related problem and how a compassionate and insightful inquiry, supported by knowledge of the unique way ADHD brains are wired, can help someone find unique solutions. Sign up for a free exploratory session if you’d like to see how ADHD coaching can help you achieve similar wins!

My embarrassing sleep problem - “simply” making myself go to bed

Sleep problems are common among people with ADHD - trouble falling asleep, restless sleep, difficulty waking up, and even "intrusive sleep," which is basically passing out when your mind is understimulated (something college Evan experienced often without knowing why, wrongly attributing it to personal moral failings). While I've experienced all of these things to varying degrees, my most pernicious sleep problem has always been JUST GETTING MYSELF TO GO TO BED. I would often explain my tiredness to others as "sleep problems" or "insomnia" and cringe at the well-meaning inevitable suggestion that I try a sleep study. I couldn't imagine that being observed trying to sleep in a lab setting with electrodes attached to me would ever solve what I saw as an inexplicable behavioral problem that I "should" be able to easily solve through sheer willpower: being unable to stop what I was doing and JUST GO TO BED!

But that was before I understood my ADHD. Now I know better, and I'm not embarrassed by this issue. It's not a personal moral failing like I once thought, it's just an unfortunate confluence of many of my ADHD obstacles into this one daily problem, and I needed to work with the reality of how my brain works to find a solution.

Here's how it used to go: At the end of the day, I wanted to rest my brain and maybe escape from my racing thoughts and daily problems. When my brain is in that state, sometimes the best "rest" for me is to do something that engages my brain enough that I can't think about anything else, but doesn't actually require much effort. For me that's watching a TV show with an engrossing narrative or playing video games. Both of these things hook me so I don't want to stop. I have to know what happens to my favorite characters after the cliffhanger on the latest bingeable show I've picked up! And video games are explicitly designed to feed a dopamine loop in my brain and keep me playing. Finish a quest, feel accomplished, get loot to upgrade gear or character, take on harder quest to get even better loot for better upgrades, and on and on.

No matter how much I swore in the morning I wouldn't do it again, almost every night I would tell myself "just one more episode" or "just one more quest" and suddenly it would be well past midnight and I'd be asking myself "what the [expletive] is wrong with you,” still struggling with myself to stop and go to bed regardless of how tired I was.

Identifying the problem - the "multiple selves" strategy

I needed to figure out what exactly was happening before I could solve the problem. My own wise ADHD coach once described ADHD as "not having one's full skill set available on demand." A helpful strategy I've developed for dealing with that is to think of myself as being made up of multiple selves with different skill sets.

Nighttime Evan is peak ADHD problems Evan. She's tired and she's the most distant Evan from the Evan that has taken her meds, so executive functioning is at it's worst. And because of ADHD traits like time-blindness (I generally perceive all times as Now or Not Now and I often struggle to identify with the Evans that live in the Not Now times), Nighttime Evan doesn't have to live through the consequences of her actions.

Morning Evan on the other hand, gets only the consequences. She feels like garbage from lack of sleep, and is constantly saying NEVER AGAIN and being very critical of Nighttime Evan. Since all Evans are, in fact, me, this criticism is not helpful or fun. All of Morning Evan's resolutions are ignored by Nighttime Evan because Morning Evan lives in the Not Now time which Nighttime Evan doesn't believe actually exists. Plus, Morning Evan's skills are also not at their best, particularly before the sleep issue was solved. She was also tired, and did not want to get up, and almost never remembered to use her daylight lamp in the morning to try to help get her body's sleep rhythm on track and combat Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).

The final Evan involved I call Parent Evan. This is the version of me at my best, leaning on my strengths, identifying my weaknesses with compassion and unconditional love, and finding solutions--basically, parenting myself. Parent Evan is at her best in mid to late morning/early afternoon, and has gotten a lot better at her job over time as she's become more self-aware through the magic of coaching.

Looking at unsuccessful solutions as opportunities to gather more data.

Since I am unwilling to entertain the idea of giving up my escapes into TV and games, which do serve helpful functions of rest and entertainment, Parent Evan tried a few different ways to fix this problem. The one I had highest hopes for was using smart plugs to turn the lights off on myself when it was time to turn off the TV and get ready for bed. But Nighttime Evan would always be completely surprised by the light going off, absorbed as she was in her game, and would say to herself as usual: "I just need to do this one more thing…" and turn the light back on. Adding a smart speaker announcement that it was time for bed didn't help, so I added the REASON for going to bed to the announcement, hoping that would get through to Nighttime Evan. I ended up with a very long announcement that just continued to be ignored: "It's time to get ready for bed. Remember your commitment to healthy sleep hygiene as the most important thing that will make other positive changes possible."

Working out the right solution

By compassionately investigating what was going on with Nighttime Evan, I identified that she needed more support to transition from hyperfocusing on her game or TV show to getting ready for bed, but Parent Evan was not available when that support was needed, and a simple verbal announcement and flick of the light switch wasn’t enough. So the question was, how could Parent Evan reach into the future more effectively to help Nighttime Evan?

It started with the idea of helping Morning Evan by getting another smart plug for the daylight lamp, so that it could go off with a timer and she would never have to remember to turn it on. That got me thinking about other ways to effectively automate things with smart home technology to help Nighttime Evan and Morning Evan both, and I found the key--I needed to pull the plug on Nighttime Evan. After a few iterations and tweaks, I now have routines set up on my smart home platform that have effectively helped me go to bed and get up consistently for some time!

Evan's ultimate sleep cycle solution:

At 9:00 pm the smart speaker says "This is your warning to turn off screens! Time to wrap up and get ready for bed." This tells Nighttime Evan that she has 30 minutes to wrap up, save her game, and shut down the video game console (which is also what I use to watch TV on various streaming platforms).
At 9:30 pm, the speaker says "It's time for bed," tells me tomorrow's first calendar event, says "goodnight," and turns off the light.
At 9:35 pm, the smart plug the console is plugged into shuts off, effectively pulling the plug. The extra 5 minutes is important in case Nighttime Evan lost track of time and didn't shut down in time. Parent Evan is tough but fair.
After applying a similar process to figure out what Morning Evan needed, I ended up being more consistent about what I was already usually doing, and adding in a smart home routine 15 minutes after my sunrise lamp/clock radio alarm goes off, which says "good morning," turns on the daylight lamp, and tells me what's on my calendar for the day. Then I sit and journal for awhile in the bright light, which helps wake me up and combat seasonal affective disorder (SAD) during the dark days of Seattle fall and winter.
I keep this whole routine the same regardless of whether it's a weekday or weekend day, to the extent possible, for maximum consistency.

Why this works

If Nighttime Evan doesn't save the game and shut down properly before the power is cut, it's like shutting down a computer improperly. It's not good for the machine, and unsaved data is lost, meaning the next time I boot up, I might have to redo things I already did in my game. Nighttime Evan at least has the presence of mind to not want that, and is motivated to avoid it.
Once the plug is pulled, it's not like the light where I can say "turn on light" and it's instantly back on. The machine would need to boot back up, then the game would have to reload, etc. Having been forced to transition out of the game, Nighttime Evan is not likely to go through all that to get back into it, and can prioritize my overall goal to get consistent sleep.
If Nighttime Evan wants to, she can turn off these systems. However, it is a several step process requiring her to pause, get into the app, turn off the routine, and make sure she saved that change (a very easy step to miss). This is enough of a transition out of the game for Nighttime Evan to be reminded WHY Parent Evan had to go to such extreme measures.
Morning Evan doesn't have to rely on herself to remember to turn on the daylight lamp anymore to reinforce my newly consistent circadian rhythm.

Enjoying my success!

And VOILA! I have successfully managed to reach through time when my executive functioning skills are strongest to parent myself when my executive functioning skills are at their weakest. Sure, on some nights Nighttime Evan still gets hooked on non-electronic activities like reading a good novel or working on a jigsaw puzzle and Parent Evan hasn’t figured out how to pull the plug on that yet. And no matter what Nighttime Evan still has to get ready for bed and not get totally lost in her own thoughts on the way. But now that I’ve solved the hardest part, quitting the most addictive and sleep disruptive hobbies I have by 9:30, I'm usually in bed, lights out by 10:30 or 11 and awake at 7. Moreover, I have discovered, much to my surprise, that the benefits of good and consistent sleep hygiene are not a myth! I now get tired around the same time so even if I'm doing something else, I still feel motivated to try to get to bed, AND I have more consistent energy day-to-day!

Coaching helps make these kinds of changes possible!

This particular solution won't work for everyone, and as I mentioned, my aim is not to tell you how YOU should get control of your own sleep routine, though if it gave you helpful ideas to try, I'm very glad for it! But this process of identifying your unique obstacles and finding solutions that are right for you is something that coaching can help with.

If you would like to see how coaching might help YOU, sign up for a free exploratory session today! We'll jump right in with some coaching on an issue you want to work on so that you can experience coaching for yourself. Sign up and start to change your life today!

Conquering my ADHD Mount Everest through the Power of Coaching